THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEARIn a James Bond movie: "Give me a second while I put on a condom." "Mr. Bond, I'm going to put you in a torture machine that will take hours to kill you, giving you plenty of time to devise an escape. Wait, on second thought, I'm just going to shoot you. Bang."
On Star Trek the Original Series: (from off screen) "Captain! Look what I've found! Oh, never mind, it's nothing." "She's very attractive, Bones, but I've decided I'm not going to sleep with her." "Mr. Scott! What the hell are you doing to that tribble?" "Lt. Uhura, raise Starfleet Command. Ask them if Dick Hertz is there." (over the shipwide intercom) "This is Captain Kirk. Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?" "Captain, while you were on the planet, we encountered a strange energy source. Lucikly, we've run into it before, and we knew exactly what to do." "No problem, Captain Kirk. We have plenty of time to fix the engine problem and get away before the planet explodes." "We recieved a distress call from remote outpost 15, but once we got there, we discovered they were all ok, and it was only a communications malfunction." "Captain, I sent your message to Starfleet Command. It will take two days before the message reaches them and an answer comes back. Luckily, we have four days before we have to do anything about the situation." "Mr. Spock, I recieved direct orders from Starfleet Command not to interfere in the situation. I'm going to follow their orders and not interfere." "Mr. Sulu, the message from the unkown alien advised us to not come near their planet. Make a course correction so we avoid it." On Star Trek the Next Generation: "No thanks Ensign Crusher, we don't need your help. We already have it figured out." "We recieved a distress call, but another starship is closer and will take care of it." "Captain Picard to the gift shop. Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" "Captain, while you were in your ready room, we encountered an unknown nebula, but navigated through it with no problems whatsoever." "I tried my best moves on her, Number one, but she didn't find bald men attractive." "Computer, I'd like tea...Lipton...Iced...with sugar." "Alien ship! Leave federation space, or we will open up a can of whoop-ass on you!"
In a western movie: "This town's big enough for the both of us."
From a redneck: "No thanks. I don't like to fish." "No thanks. I don't drink." "No thanks. I'd rather have the unsweet tea." "No thanks. I'd rather stay home and read Faulkner." "Uh, excuse me! It's pronounced 'Vagner.'" "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex." "Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a minivan." "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken insted of the Bud." "Why yes, officer, I have my license, registration, and insurance right here." "Man, it's gonna rain and I just waxed my car." "No, we don't keep any firearms in this house." "Hey! You can't feed that to the dog!" "I thought Graceland was tacky." "No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe." "Wrestling is fake." "No thanks. We're vegetarians." "Do you think my gut is too big?" "I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy." "Honey, we don't need another dog." "Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?" "Too many deer heads detract from the decor." "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today." "Cappuccino tastes much better than espresso." "The tires on that truck are too big." "I'll just have the salad." "I've got it all saved on the C: drive." "I'd like to thank M.I.T. for this scholarship." "My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's." "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl." "How many fat grams are in that?" "Checkmate." "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?" "Elvis' sideburns were too long." "Don't fry that. Baked or poached would be healthier." "Hey! An episode of Hee Haw that I haven't seen." "I don't have a favorite college team." "She's too old to dress like that." "Daisy Duke's shorts were too short." "Sorry, I can't be there. I'm celebrating black history month." "Garth Brooks? No, why don't we get the new Lil' Kim CD?" "O.J. was innocent!" "There's no such thing as UFOs." "My hair is too big." "It sounds good, but it doesn't confirm to the theory of Occam's Razor." "Be sure to put my low fat salad dressing on the side." "No, war is not the way. I think peace negotiations are the answer." "Metaphors, similes, and colloquialisms shouldn't be taken literally." "It was a good article, but did you notice the atrocious use of grammer?" "Richard Petty...who's that?" "Let's put that quote in proper context, so we really understand what he meant." "Man, that mullet really looks bad on her." "You can't trust everything you read in the National Enquirer." "You all." "No, please. Take the last beer." "She's cute, but there's no way I can date my cousin." "Duct tape won't fix that." "Hillary in 2008!" "The symphony concert was exceptionally good night." "I didn't get to the gunshow this weekend."
From a man: "Honey, you hold the remote." "No problem, I'd rather watch the Brad Pitt movie than the Lethal Weapon marathon." "Monday night football? Not when Melrose Place is on!" "No sex tonight. Just hold me and let's talk a while." "Honey, I'm going out to work on the car. Come with me. I'd like your help." "Since I was off work today, I cleaned the house and washed all the laundry." "Let's not get the pit bull. Let get the minature schnauzer." "No, no. Mr. Barky is a much better name than Rex." "I'd be glad to hold your purse while you try that skirt on." "I don't really have an opinion on that." "She's cute, but I'm way too old to date an 18 year old." "I don't know where we are. We had better stop and ask for directions." "I don't know what's wrong with the car. Just take it to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks." "I wonder when Legally Blonde 3 will be released?" "Don't get the white shirt. Fuscha goes much better with those pants." "I hated the Godfather movies. Especially that part where they shoot the guy in the car." "No, not at all. I always just wanted to be friends." "No, I'm sure it's my baby, no matter what she says." "Honey, your mother rocks!" "Corvette? No, let's get one of the new VW Beetles!" "Honey, I understand that time of the month can be harrowing. I'll do anything I can to help."
From a father: "You know Pumpkin, now that you're 13, you're ready for unchaperoned dates. Won't that be fun?" "Here's my credit card and the keys to my new car." "What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?" "Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. Why don't you throw a party?" "No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Let's go to the mall." "Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend."
From a woman: "I met a great new friend at work today. She's really pretty, and she's an ex-stripper. I invited her to join us for dinner tomorrow night." "While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover." "I thought their wedding was even better than ours. Your ex-wife really rocks!" "She's wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her." "From now on, I'm gonna leave the toilet seat up. It will be easier for you." "This dress really accents my hugh thighs!" "Honey, come over here and do a Tequila shot off my sister's stomach!" "No, I'd much rather watch football with you than go shopping." "Honey, don't forget to renew your subscription to Hustler." "Honey, look! Our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again." "Do me a favor. Forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something." "My butt is MUCH bigger than yours." "Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours." "You need your sleep, so Saturday, I'll take care of painting the house." "Jessica Simpson is so much prettier than me." "I got this movie for you because I know how much you like porn." "Honey, don't worry about the minivan. Get the Corvette instead." "Thanks for saying I look 32, but I'm really 45." "That diamond is really pretty, but I like the smaller one." "My mom is picking up the tab, so you and your friends order another round." "I forgot all about our anniversary." "I don't care if it is on sale. $300 is just too much for a designer dress!" "I don't like clean houses. The lived-in look is much better." "Once a month? No, I wish I got it every week!" "I have too many shoes." "The mall?!?! Again!?!? Why can't we go to Home Depot?" "That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?" "His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them." "I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!" "I just realized, this dress doesn't make my butt look fat. My butt *is* fat!"
In a rock band: "Road whores? Tonight? Nah...I'm tired and I think I'm hit the sack early." "No, the monitor mix was right. I just screwed up the riff." "Ladies, I'm sorry. I need to see some proof of age." "No thanks. No more beer for me tonight." "Hey! Who left porno in the VCR?" "No thanks. I don't smoke that stuff."
From an orchestra director: "The trumpet section isn't loud enough. Can you play out more?" "Trumpets, feel free to adlib. Especially on the last note." "Trumpets, feel free to take everything up an octave." "We have PLENTY of funds to pay the orchestra this time!" "We turned that down because they didn't want to pay us enough."
From a trumpet player (only a trumpet player will get some of these): "Sorry, that adlib solo was way too over the top. I'll take it down a notch next time." "I was playing too loud." "I'm not good enough to play first. Is it ok if I sit in the fourth chair?" "He's a much better a trumpet player than me." "Man, your solo was great. I'm glad I didn't have to do it. It wouldn't have sounded as good." "Sorry, it was me that was off-tempo." "The last measure says '8va' but I'd prefer to play it down an octave." "I only need one trumpet." "I need my E-flat/D all the time!" "I play a trumpet based on my needs, rather than the kind Wayne Bergeron plays." "All you need is a good 'D'. Anything higher than that is just screeching." "Excuse me. Can you ask the clarinet section to play louder? We can't hear them." "That was a beautiful flute solo!" "I really wish I had learned to play the oboe instead." "I make plenty of money!" "That Kenny G is a musical genius. I have all his albums." "I have a solo coming up, but I'd rather the sax take it." "Maynard who?" "I didn't like the way Miles played that." "There's nothing like a good marimba concert." "My schedule is so busy, I have to turn down gigs." "They served free drinks at the gig, but I never drank any." "Haydn wrote a trumpet Concerto?" "I play much better when I'm sober." "I turned that down. They offered me too much money." "Man, the women just won't leave me alone." "I'm having trouble deciding between the Ferrari and the Mercedes." "I tried out for that, but I was rejected because I just wasn't good enough." "Finally! I nice quiet slow passage!" "Triple-C? Who cares?"
From a band nerd: "I wanted to play football, but my father insisted I learn to play the flute instead." "I've never heard of D&D." "So many girlfriends. I can't keep them straight."
From a football coach: "No. The ref was completely right on that call. My player was at fault." "You guys lost the world championship, but I'm not upset. There's always next year."
From a lawyer: "Darn. You're right. I overbilled you." "I lowered my fees because I felt I could be more competitive." "I wanted to represent him, but I knew he was guilty, and the money wasn't worth it."
From a business consultant: "I bet you I can go a week without saying synergy or value-added." "How about paying us based on the success of the project?" "I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that." "I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department." "Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do."
From Alex Trebek: "...And for my wardrobe today, I'd like to thank all my homies down at Fubu." "Yes, that's correct! Mr. Quayle, you now control the board." "Today's categories are: Hookers, What's that Smell, Hurricane Names, Moronic Internet Humor Lists, and NRA Guidelines." "Sorry, but our new rules say you must phrase your answer in the form of a haiku." "I'm the smart one, but that jerk Sajaak gets Vanna. What's up with that?" "I don't really know the answer. I'm just reading from a card." "You can't buy vowel on this show, idiot!"
From a Memphian: "Man, that mayor really knows his stuff." "We sure do get our money's worth from the power company." "That street goes for miles and never changes names!" "Hey look! A courteous driver!" "I'm not a very good driver, so I try to stay out of everybody's way." "I'm only going 50. I think I'll get out of the slow lane." "There's a car coming, so I think I'll wait until it passes before I pull out." "You guys want a soda?" "I stayed at the Peabody last night." "Texas barbecue made from beef is much better than the stuff you get here." "Yes, I go to the casinos all the time." (an inside joke. nobody admits it) "The light is yellow. You'd better stop." "It's quicker if you don't get on the interstate." "Hey! That construction project took much less time than they projected." "I know the actual names of the 'Old Bridge' and the 'New Bridge.'" "I don't live inside the city limits, but I can't wait until I do!"
From an auto mechanic: "It was just a loose wire. No charge!" "My estimate was way high." "Yes, I can fix it, but the guy down the street is just as good, and cheaper."